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The
Ultimate Movie
killing puppies with hammers
There
are million screenwriters on a million home computers feverishly
hammering away on screenplays they hope to parlay into blockbuster
box office returns. Most of these people will wake up tomorrow and
go back to work at the video store, but a lucky handful will strike
gold with the combination of comedy, romance, violence, and dramatic
tension that make producers tremble with Oscar-lust.
Casts
and crews will be assembled, back-end deals on profits will be inked,
and then the movie-going public - that's you and I - will see a fraction
of the movies made, be horribly disappointed with the majority of
stories set in motion on the big screen, and head home wishing we'd
spent our ten dollars on something useful, like air fresheners or
socks.
Still,
no matter how many poorly written, poorly acted, and directed films
we go to see, the next visit to a movie theater awakes a hunger in
our bellies…not for popcorn or candy, or a five dollar soda…but
for the ultimate cinematic experience.
It might
not ever happen, but if it did, it might go something like this.
INTERIOR
CORELLIAN FREIGHTER DAY
Indiana
Jones, James Bond, and Spider-Man are flying through space in the Millennium
Falcon, on their way home to earth after a vacation on the slave girl
planet Tata Seven. The crime fighting trio have placed the ship on
autopilot and are having a kung fu battle in the zero gravity chamber
to pass time.
JONES:
Hyaaaaaaah!
SPIDER-MAN:
Nice one, sport.
BOND:
You nearly knocked over my martini.
SPIDER-MAN:
What the…?
The ship
shakes violently and the voice of Christopher Walken booms over the
ship intercom.
WALKEN:
It is I, Christopher Walken. I have your ship in a tractor beam and
am taking you to my secret hotel on the moon where I spend most of
my time dancing, but today I will use it as a venue to kill each
of you very slowly. You've foiled my plans for the last time.
JONES:
Oh no! Not Walken! I hate Walken!
BOND:
I thought you hated snakes.
JONES:
And Walkens!
SPIDER-MAN:
Does this lycra make my ass look big?
EXTERIOR
SPACE DAY
Christopher
Walken, piloting a giant Borg cube, speeds toward the moon with the
Millennium Falcon in tow. We see the faces of Spider-Man, James Bond,
and Indiana Jones pressed against the windows looking on in horror.
INTERIOR
HOTEL MOON BASE NIGHT
Our three
heroes are in the hotel foyer. The balconies are crowded with supermodels
cheering for their deaths. Christopher Walken dances out of one of
the elevators and flies up to the balconies gracefully.
BOND:
Do you expect us to talk?
WALKEN:
No, Mister Bond. I expect you to die!!! Mu ha ha ha ha! Mu ha ha
ha!! Mu ha ha ha! Meet your doom at the hands of my fiercest henchmen!
The skylight
explodes into a billion shards of glass as three figures come smashing
through and land in the foyer. The glass settles, revealing them to
be Boba Fett, a 300 foot tall tyrannosaurus, and Gwyneth Paltrow's
disembodied voice!
SPIDER-MAN:
My spidey senses are tingling.
JONES:
I just wet my pants. Is that a dinosaur?
BOND:
Rex. T Rex.
JONES:
Thanks.
BOND:
Dibs on the bounty hunter.
SPIDER-MAN:
Dinosaur! I call dinosaur!
JONES:
No fair! I always fight the annoying disembodied voices. You guys
suck!
WALKEN:
Welcome to Walkendome, gentlemen! You know the rules! Four men, one
dinosaur, and one disembodied voice enter! One man, one dinosaur,
and one disembodied voice leave!! Minions, attack!!!
Our three
heroes peel away from the center to confront their adversaries separately.
Indiana Jones runs frantically in circles trying to evade Gwyneth Paltrow's
voice.
GWYNETH PALTROW'S DISEMBODIED VOICE: You were not dead before. When I thought
you dead, I did not care about all the plays that will never come, only that
I would never see your face. I saw our end, and it will come!
JONES:
Mother of god!! My ears!!! My ears!!!
GWYNETH
PALTROW'S DISEMBODIED VOICE: The thing with Dickie... it's like the
sun shines on you, and it's glorious. And then he forgets you and
it's very, very cold.
JONES:
Make her stop!! Make her stop!!!
GWYNETH
PALTROW'S DISEMBODIED VOICE: I'm trying to be your girlfriend Jerry!
I'm trying to win you back! I'm standing on the platform at Limbo
Central with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase waiting for
the Jerry Frickin Express to roll in and tell me that my ticket is
still valid and that I may re-board the train.
JONES:
Uuuuuuurrnnnggg.
At this
point Indiana Jones is bleeding heavily from the ears and crawling
away slowly on all fours. With his last burst of energy, as the disembodied
voice of Gwyneth Paltrow catches up to him and burrows itself into
his skull, Jones leaps into an airlock and seals the door behind them.
There is a shwhooomping sound and through the windows we see Jones
and the disembodied voice of Gwyneth Paltrow flying away into space,
lifeless.
WALKEN:
Dammit! That was my most evil disembodied voice.
SPIDER-MAN:
Doctor Jones!!!!! Nooooooooooo!
BOND:
He's gone now. Will you fight with me? Will you fight with William
Wallace?
SPIDER-MAN:
With who?
BOND:
With William Wallace. Hey William Wallace, come over here and help
us, would you? Sorry about that whole my country invading your country
business.
We now see
William Wallace in the corner plunking quarters into a Fresca machine.
His face is half-painted blue and his kilt is not-surprisingly plaid.
WALLACE:
Lower your flags and march straight back to England, stopping at
every home to beg forgiveness for a hundred years of theft, rape,
and murder. Do this and I will fight that intergalactic bounty hunter
for you. Do it not, and every one of you will die today.
BOND:
Deal.
And with
that, James Bond strides out of the hotel moonbase lair of criminal
mastermind Christopher Walken, and heads straight home to England to
start his apologizing. William Wallace asks Jim Morrison to hold his
Fresca for him, and then joins Spider-Man in the center of the foyer
to face the menacing bounty hunter Boba Fett.
WALLACE:
Well come on then, helmet-head, let's see what you've got.
William
Wallace pulls out a hatchet and a nine millimeter and rushes at Boba
Fett, who very promptly freezes time, levitates into the air with his
arms extended, and delivers a flurry of kicks to the Scottish barbarian.
Wallace counters with a series of spin kicks, but Boba Fett runs up
the wall, circles around, and kicks Wallace in the back of the head.
Wallace pulls out his broadsword and swings wildly at the bounty hunter.
But Boba Fett is too fast, now flying around the room with his jetpack.
He fires a grappling hook into Wallace's chest and rips out his heart.
Wallace collapses to the floor.
WALKEN:
Beautiful! Beautiful!
Boba Fett
flies up to the balcony and presents the still beating and not-so-brave
heart to Christopher Walken, who starts taking bites out of it as if
it was an apple.
SPIDER-MAN:
You sick bastard! I'm going to kill you!
Spider-Man
slings a web to the ceiling and leaps towards the balcony brandishing
a rusty can opener. The tyrannosaurus lumbers forward and snatches
Spider-Man from midair in its massive jaws and chews him to a buggy
pulp.
WALKEN:
Mu ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Dance my supermodels! Dance!
The supermodels,
now spraying each other down with champagne, shriek in celebration.
The tyrannosaurus
stomps towards Walken and then becomes curiously still. A hatch opens
at the top of its skull, revealing that is really just a giant robot
tyrannosaurus! Everyone is very surprised and excited! Gary Coleman
climbs out of the hatch.
GARY COLEMAN:
That was too easy.
WALKEN:
What the hell? My dinosaur is a robot? That wasn't the deal, Coleman.
The contract clearly states that I would have a genuine tyrannosaurus
working for me. I'm not paying you.
GARY COLEMAN:
Whatchu talkin' bout, Walken?
WALKEN:
Guards!! Seize him!
GARY COLEMAN:
I'll see you in hell!
Gary Coleman
climbs back down inside the robot and closes the hatch.
INTERIOR
ROBOT TYRANNOSAURUS NIGHT
The control
room of the robot tyrannosaurus is lit with a dim green light and we
can see a myriad of switches, levers, and display screens. Gary Coleman
sits at the controls, accompanied by Winona Ryder, special agent Ethan
Hunt, and the Incredible Hulk.
WINONA
RYDER: I'm wearing stolen clothes!
ETHAN
HUNT: That's privileged information. What's the word, Gary Coleman?
GARY COLEMAN:
We've been double-crossed. Hulk, that is the last time you handle
the contracts.
INCREDIBLE
HULK: Me so sorry.
GARY COLEMAN:
Save it. We've got bigger problems.
There is
a near-deafening clamor as the video screens show the robot tyrannosaurus
being surrounding by thousands of Walken's minions, all banging on
the dinosaur and chanting Gary Coleman's name.
ANGRY
MOB OF MINIONS: Coleman! Coleman! Coleman!
GARY COLEMAN:
That's my name. Don't wear it out.
Gary Coleman
flicks a switch on the control panel and there's a high pitched whirring
noise. The kind of noise that would drive a komodo dragon absolutely
insane.
INTERIOR
HOTEL MOON BASE NIGHT
The angry
mob of minions is making very small dents in the robot tyrannosaur's
metallic hide. A whirring noise fills the room as the dinosaur is brought
back to life. The mob tries to run away, but it's too late. The robot
tyrannosaur springs into the air, splays it's limbs, and pancakes onto
the foyer, crushing half of the mob and sending the rest hurtling head
first into granite walls.
WALKEN:
My precious supermodels!
He clenches
his fists, looks upward, and screams.
WALKEN:
Now who will star in ads for expensive underwear?!!? The horror…the
horror…
The robot
tyrannosaur gets back on its feet. Two large rocket thrusters extend
from its back and the dinosaur blasts through the open skylight, escaping
into outer space.
INTERIOR
ROBOT TYRANNOSAURUS NIGHT
Gary Coleman,
special agent Ethan Hunt, and the Incredible Hulk are all smoking cigars
and wearing party hats. Winona Ryder is dancing topless on a table.
GARY COLEMAN:
I love it when a plan comes together.
THE
END
This movie
wouldn't be completed until the year 2024 and would cost approximately
14 billion dollars to make, but with the steadily rising price of movie
tickets that would be recovered in the opening weekend.
Oscars for
everybody!
This article
has been provided by Screamingmidget.com.
Please visit their site for more humorous articles on a variety of
topics.
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